I am officially back in school. I'm going to USU and so far I'm loving it. My classes are good, I like my instructors life is okay.
There a lot of other things going on in my life, unfotately I'm not in a position to talk about them right nwo. It's not that I want to keep the few people who follow my life out of the loop so much as I need to sort out what I'm feeling about the changes we're experiencing before I attempt to explain things to the rest of the world.
This is short and I'm sorry. But I have a million things to do today and need to be getting myself off campus. I'll try and give longer words about our escepades later.

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog of late. Not becuase I'm not logged in every day to read the latest post by Kerri, blogging over at six until me, as she faces type 1 diabetes and pregnancy. No, it's that I'm logged in every day and I never write a thing or even hradly comment on the few blogs I do read. I'm like an interenet stalker.

I've been one very busy momma. I have applied for and been accepted at Utah State University here in Logan. I have gotten myself Financial aid, saldy mostly in the form of student loans, but we'll get past that. I've created a plan that hopefully will allow me to remain home as a full time student without the added stress of a job (because lets face it people, your average college freshman just is not dealing with a two and a half year old know it all who throws a tantrum and comes running beucase she's TERRIFIED of Finding Nemo becuase mommy dared walk away to tidy the kitchen). I have figured out how to go and register for classes, I have 4 totalling 13 credit hours. I however have yet to navigate where and how and when do I know what books I need.

I have been dealing with Em who seems to have gone back to being mommy depenedent. And, no I'm not pregnant. Though with our luck I will be just becuase we're trying not to becuase I absolutely DO NOT want to have a baby in the middle of a semester.

I have figured out that it will be cheaper to live in on-campus student housing and have been working at making that a reality. Our lvies have been very busy.

Andto top it all of it's christmas on Friday and next Friday is Suzie and Tony's wedding.

It's also1 am and I know that I will ahve to be up early with Em tomorrow.W e have caseworkers coming Thursday and my house lookslikea raging team of gorillas came running through it with a jackhammer.

Why is it taht husbands are useless when it comes to housework? Ben PROMISED me he'd work on the house today. Apparently we have different ideas about this. He unloaded the dishwasher and helped thedishes to procreate. That's about the extent of it.

I was so hoping to ome home to a house I didn't ahve to work on... I hate my period. Really I do.... there is somthing wrong with being in enough pain that even 4 ibueprofin, 2 excedrin back and body, and 2 pamprin only makes you able to move. It's not fair. I think men should have periods, really.

Lots to Report

The big day was Wednesday. I still can't believe that we FINALLY made it to the temple. We took out our endowements and were also sealed as family for time and all eternity, so Emmaleigh got to go too. According to the nursery workers she was very well prepared and excited to be at the temple. Which made me happy, we did try.

Jess was a big help. When we got paid last Thursday I paid rent and tithing and then I was done. Jess and Zane bought us each a couple sets of garments, I think we're now at 4 each, but she says she'll get us up to a weeks worth over the next few paydays as a gift. Isn't she wonderful? And Mama Cell and Dad paid for our rentals on our temple things.

I thought everything was really weird and I felt majorly lost. About all I got out of the whole thing was what felt like fifty million refrences to go forth and procreate.... I went back on Saturday with Jess though and really paryed about the whole, is that inspirtion to have nother child... and I think it's time for us to be trying for number two. We'll see.

Jess wnts us all to go down to salt lake to catch session there. Something to do with live actors. I don' tknow I'm lost... but we'll see if it pans out. days off are hard to come by when you've got four competing work schedules and a two year old to deal with.

The best thing about Wednesday was Sterling got to be there. Monday night he sent out word that he had just been notified that he would be shipping out on the 3rd, so a days notice, instead of the 16th. I was very angry becuase I wanted him there. Sterling ismy favorite over my own siblings and all of Ben's. I choose Sterling as best. Really he's awesome.... I just hope he never finds out that I call him my favorite little brother, 'cuase really he's only Ben's little brother and he's six months older than me... but the phrase is stuck to him. with super glue. it's never going away. But I guess when he reported in Tuesday the Marines decidedthey couldn't take him yet. So I was glad. I mean the poor guys already going to miss seing his twin girls born in February, so at least he got to see us sealed.

There aren't many pictures because I shceduled it in like July or August and didn't think about that it'd be dark when we were done. Somartha took one, in our living room and I don't have a copy yet.

Not to many people came. But Dr. Ostler made it and that made me happy. So someone for me who knew me as just me and not through Ben or his family. Suzie didn't make it. Obviously, but she did watch Eliza. And then Sterling and Brooke and Jess and Zane and Mama and dad and Dr. Ostler and Martha and grandma and grandpa beasly and us.... that was it. Not a lot.

In non temple news, and I may have hinted at this above. I am RETURNING to school in January. I was accpeted at USU to start spring semester and I'm stoked. Not really sure what I'll be studying as yet but so ready to go back. I'm thinking perhaps I might like to teach middle school math or something, but we'll see. The big thing is I'm in and I plan to go full time and that when DCFS are done with it's my intent to quit work and go to school only. Towards which end we will be moving in my when our lease is up, or maybe sooner if we can work it out with the landlord.

We'll be moving up to Aggie Village which is USU's married student housing community. it's pretty cheap and we'll have real internet and cable. WooHoo... do you know we haven't seen General Conference in two years because of no cable. So, I'm stoked.. okay and I miss bones and house and all my old TV shows and Mama went and addicted me to Glee in when I went down last.

So yeah things are going good for us up here. And I'm super excited about things getting on track... now if only I can get adjusted to my garments.... and come up with funds to buy some winter pants, tops that don't show my garment sides and does anyone need to throw out some size 8.5 shoes that aren't flip flops?

Emmy and I had a great time at Mama Clell and Dad's new place in Murray and helping to move them out of the Kaysville House. Though it can't go without being noted that Emmy is something of a brat and Eliza is completely transparent about the location of her buttons.
Frequently throughtout the weekend you'd get the commentary from Eliza of her pointing at Mama Clell and saying "my mommy" then pointing at me and saying "your mommy" to Emmaleigh. After which Em would infallibally point at Mama Clell smile huge and go "My Mommy" and Eliza would freak out. Of course Eliza kept letting Emmaleigh out of the house by herself so she's not alone in her brattiness.
Now then to today which has thusfar been quite successful. I have applied to USU and I applied for finanacial aid. I do still have a few errands to run for that. And I went and talked to housing. We can't get a three bedroom in aggie village though until we have another child. Which we are sort of working on....and Em is now into Suzie's music so I need to go.

Oh.... and to all who need to know. THE 4TH IS ON.... even though invites never got sent.

Emmaleigh has decided I think that she just loves proving to mommy how much of a BIG girl she is. Daddy let her sleep in the twin bed in the upstairs extra bedroom and since then Emmaleigh has demanded that she wants to sleep in the "big girl bed".

Not to mention that I started keeping little treats like gummy worms in Emmy's diaper bag to make things easier sometimes. Well now if I say, Emmy you need to be a good girl she'll respond with good girl treat.

I can't leave any candy within where she can reach or climb to reach. Just a few minutes ago I caught her with a box of nerds from the candy bowl and there she was knocking it back and emptying the whole thing in one fell swoop. My two year old.

Though my favorite thing perhaps has been her love of reading. We'll read a story and then immediately after she'll go and get her baby, or a bear, and take the book we just finished and go climb in her rocker to read her book to her baby.

Daddy has convinced her to take a shower and she now loves to take a shower like a big girl.

And last, but certianly not least. My baby girl talks on the phone. Honestly does. She'll say hi and she'll ask how you're doing or respond just like you were talking to her. She's always demanding to call grandma or Elilza or daddy.

Oh. And I am one very doomed mama when she becomes a teenager becuase already she is demanding to go to the mall. It's very adorable, if somewhat of a nuisance.

In other news we are getting two new nieces in Feburary, or sooner maybe. Ben's brother Sterling, who I claim becuase hey I wrote him a letter a week for a year, but that's another issue, found out a week or so ago that he and his wife will be having twin girls in febuary! (and apparently did not know until the ultrasound that there was more than one in there). I am wishing them much luck, though I feel saddness for them that Sterling will most likely miss it as he will be entering Marine boot camp on Nov. 16th.

And my baby girl is now attacking poor alphonse and demanding I give her attention so I'll be having to go now.

My life lately has been a circus of drama, drama and more drama. And of course my internet is shotty at the best of times, because we're mooching free net off a a public server that my computer only sometimes likes.

I miss my sister. I still love her, though apparently she can no loner see this and it greives me that she thinks she can no loner even count me amongst friends. True, I am upset and hurt by the choices she has made, and not only on her part, but on the part of another whome I have considered a friend.

My life has not been led in perfect accord ith the laws of the church, even after my baptism, and this is true. Many know of this. But I cannot just sit idly by and watch while someone I care about not only turns her back on the church but on the covenants she has made in the temple! And it is not just that she has abandonned these things, but that she sees nothing wrong in what she is doing. That she has no intention of answering for her misdeeds! It has been my understanding that if a temple endowed member were to go out and have sex with someone not their spouse that it would mean excommunication. But since she does not like this consequence of her action, nevermind that she is ignoring the other consequence of her choice, a fact that I feel will ultimately lead to the hurt of a human life, but that is not my point in this, but that she intends to go in and request her name removed from the records of the church, so that later, it would not be a longer and harder process for her to be rebaptised!

I feel that I am responsible for her, and for the situation that is now surrounding me and my family and friends who have become very dear to us. If S had not asked to come to my house for the two weeks she was supposed to have been vacationing I would not have asked J and Z if S could stay there with them since we were not allowed to have anyone stay with us. Perhaps then she and T would not have become so close, insisting it was only cuddles, it was nothing. Perhaps then when her husband called to say he could not abide this seperation she would have turned to someone else than T, would not have had sex with him and become pregnant with his child, would not be in a postion to see our upset at her choices as a disapproval and a denail of her as a person.

I love my sister. I truly do, and I am excited for a new niece or nephew. But I am not happy about the circumstance of it. I do not hold hope that T will straighten out, that he will stand by her any more than he has stood by his previous women. I cannot fathom how she cannot see that the man does not even know how many children he has honestly fathered, but thinks that he will stay with her. Will be beside her. I have no doubt he'll stick around for the pregnancy and maybe even a week or so after, but in the long term I do not hold hope.

I feel grieved that my daughter loves this man you have chosen who was previously making new choices, possibly good descions. Now it is hard to know if he really was changing or just asking.

I have so much to say and not the words to express this adequetly.

Sister I miss you. While you are my younger self, it does not mean that I dismiss you or your actions. I have long looked up to you. I envied your skill with the violin and that you took karate and defend yourself. You have been my shining example, with your marriage in the temple- a feat that I myself could not achieve through chioces much like you are making now. I wanted you to be my escort when Ben and I go through the temple becuas you are the person closed to me next to him. Becuase it was seeing your happiness on your wedding day, the beautiful pictures of you and him in front of the gorgeous Bountiful temple that gave me a reason to strive for it. To fight for it. Not just because it is a commandment to be sealed, but because it was something my little sister had that I wanted to be able to share with her! And now, now I cannot share this with you. I cannot share the temple with you, I feel I cannot share the spirit of God with you, becuase as long as you and Tony are having sex you cannot be in touch with the spirit I know this. I have lived this. And I without the covenants you yourself had made still struggle with feelings of unworthyness, of suffering, I struggle to pray and live the way I did before Ben came to Ohio and we had sex. How much harder must it be for you my sister who was married in the temple, who was still married on the day she concieved the child she had so desperately tried to have with her own husband, but now will have with another man. How I worry for you my sister who is not caring for herself well in this great time of need, now that you are respnsible for another life. Is it shock at your pregnancy that causes this, is it some other going on that I know nothing of. Is it fear? Sister I care not who the father ofyour baby is, I care only that You are my sister and you are having a child! How I love you, how I already love your baby for being a part of you! I worry at your seeming denail that it may hurt your child.

I am hurt you cannot see how I love you. Do not mistake my inaptitude with words and my desire for you to be in accordance with the gospel that I do not still love you. Never that. I am a weak person full of flaws, as you well should know by now. I will lean heavily on the arm of my savior that he may help us both in this struggle that is life and through the chaos you have created. Would that we both become closer to Heavenly Father through this trial...

I say only this. Even as you make this mess and these wrong choices still I look to you as an example. I look to you and I see how blessed I am with my husband and my daughter. It makes me realize that I do not ever want to see such pain in my own life or my child's. I want my daughter to grow up knowing that the only man her mother has been married to is her daddy. I want her to grow up thinking the world of her daddy, becuase he is an amazing person, a follower of God and a worthy man exercising the power of God through his Preisthood. I want her to grow up with the things that as of now your child may not. I do not mean money, or wealth or possessions or materiel things.

My sister, truly I love you. I will always love you. Nothing will change that... if you never speak to me agian after this, I will still love you. If you choose to discuss these things with me, I will still love you. If you stay with this man you are with I will support you in this I will love you.

I do not pormise to like this man right now, but I am making effort. I am trying to resolve my anger at him...

I know not what to say beyond this. I shall end this here before I make more of a mess than what I already have.

I am thouroughly sick of Walmart, particularily the politics of the bakery. I have tried to get out of this department but management, and by this I mean Don our Co and Mikkael our assistant, feel that the best fit for me is the bakery, so I am not permitted to leave. Personally I think that I should be allowed to move if I wish to so long as ther is an opening available for me to go into.

Most recently I am sick of going in for a 1 to 10 closing shift only to find otu that there is no donut person the next day since Gina is off and is required to have her 2 days off and no overtime, even though she is the department manager, and so I have to come in at 4 am the following morning even though I have no ride and have daycare to worry about and becuase I have no car it means I biked both home and will have to bike in as well. And it's not optional it's mandatory, that is if you value a paycheck every two weeks. Mikkael has said it's about the people he has working the shifts he need them, or replacing them. So, essientially if I want to keep getting paid then I need to let him, Don and Gina do whatever they want with my schedule regardless of what it means to me. And it really makes me irritated enough to scream.

In other news, I am looking for new employment. I plan to go apply at Crumb Brothers, a really fabulous local bakery and there is another local bakery that at least last week was hiring for a closing shift to clean up the bakery, which I might do. It would only be 15 hours a week though at most. So the idea, becuas that isn't enough money. I walked around the mall and the Bath and Body Works is hiring starting soon for some seasonal workers through the holidays which could possibly allow me a regular job if there is an opening at the end of the holidays. I want to go into JC Penny's and see if they are hiring too, becuase that might be nice. I really don't care right now if it means a lot less money for us, I assume there would be less bullshit somewhere else than at walmart.

Emmaleigh's official returning of custody is on Thursday of next week, the 27th. I am excited for her to be home for good. Alos excited for Suzie to be able to come and stay the night agian.

I am still not doing well with my meds and I managed to forget my birth control agian.Ben and I have talked and perhaps this is the wrong approach, but we've decided to say screw it on the birth control ring and if I get pregnant so be it. As for the meds. I'm just not going to take them and when I see Canning in September I'll tell him so becuase really he mostly only put me on them to please Hillaree Childs at the Division of Child and Family Services, who has a stick shoved so far up her hind end that not even surgery would remove it. But that's another issue.

In any even I am needing to get to bed becuase I have to bike in to work tomorrow at 3 am, since there is no one available to give me a ride. Joy.